If...

Keep running!

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather 
'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision 
'til I only dwell in Thee

Hymm - Brooke Fraser

Where do I stand?

Lately i have been pondering a lot on this - where do i stand, in my family, in my studies, in my different surroundings eg Uni friends and my other Malaysian friends, as a senior or junior, and my other secret identity as a co-leader in my housechurch (ok now not so secret anymore) to my team and my other leaders. It's confusing, often when i stop and ponder and stare and let everything settle down and rethink again, it really doesn't bring me any further, i mean things might reveal themselves slowly but if i juz stood there and got stuck, what's the point? The fact is, keep walking, keep trusting and don't stop n stare too long.

As the germans say, macht weiter!

What is the motivation behind?

The famous inscription on the main entrance to the former concentration camp of Dachau

Ya so i have been visiting this place during the weekend. I don't really have any expectations before i went, but after the trip i start to ask myself, what is the motivation behind ppl(me) who actually visit places like this. For example, if you plan a trip to China, you will automatically go to Beijing to visit the great wall of China because they say if u never seen a section of the great wall, u have never been to China. So wat about visiting concentration camps? Why do visitors have the interest to join a tour of any concentration camps?

Well if you are expecting answers for me, technically it's juz pure curiosity that brings me to this place, i wanted to see it out of Germany's point of view since i've been to one in Poland. But if i were to ask myself about the motivation behind visiting this-sad-place, i still need time to think about it. It's such a mixture of feelings deep inside me towards mankind.

Lately, I've been dealing wif a lot of raging hormones and overwhelming mental activites. When i thought i can't stand it anymore because i magnify every single feeling and emotions and that's why it become so overwhelimg, i am reminded once again, that it is a wacky world we're living in. Why not take everything like a pinch of salt and really, for once, just learn how to let go and let God. Going without knowing - i desperately need to learn that.

another list...

oh i juz love to make list, *glancing at the never-ending-to-do-lists on my wall... *gulps

1.  Guess what, i actually got half of the things done from the previous list! (pat Pat on the back)
2.  I should really finish reading at least 1 book out of the 5 on-going books tat i have been reading since the day i bought them
3.  Omg it's December already???!!! need ideas for christmas presents!
5.  Everyone wants to be part of sth significant and impactful don't they?
5.  I shall stop here and continue revising for my Lab-exam in 1 n half hour (u mean u got exam for ur Labs???!!)

as you can see, the list is not so list-y because first of all, it doesn't have a title, and second, it's juz some random stuff i wanted to post about but i forgot due to the hectic schedule this sem, i look forward to the day when i can pat myself on the back and say 'well done'

list of things i try so hard to find

but failed...

1.  My lost snow cap (still refuse to accept the fact tat it is gone, forever!)
2.  A perfect dress for a wedding
3.  A sweater that scream 'BUY ME!'
4.  Double eye lid tape/glue
5.  A pair of shoes that keep my cold feet warm yet look chic (most winter shoes are ugly!)
6.  Unagi rice! (been craving for this since i dunno when, and the craving just won't die down)
7.  Motivation to clean up my room (it has been like that since i move back last month, i am really not the neat type, and the room is making me more depressed!)
8.  More money (anyone could use some extra cash right?)
9.  A company to do my bachelor thesis (YES, i am THAT desperate)
10.  A machine/person that can help me wif the above mentioned things.

How to love and not be loved?

Small talk
Was on skype wif my youngest bro for nearly 2 hours. Nowadays with technology, i tend to forget when is the last time i see him face to face, was it 2 years ago? and with the other sister who is currently in Sydney, i cannot recall when is the last time i saw her in reality, not virtually?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love and not be loved (back)
as weak humans, it's always easier to love ppl who love you than to love ppl who don love you back.
as christians, it's always to love ppl first, then don care about the outcome.
being both, it's kinda contradicting.

but it cannot be, because in 1:John 4:8 it says, 'Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.'


So how exactly can we love and (not) be loved
1 John 4:19 - We love because he first loved us.

having said all that, it's after all, only head knowledge. It's the application of it that counts.  Some people just talk and never do it.  Well at least i talk about it, unlike ppl who don bother?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outro
I juz realised tat i am a very complicated person (u mean u never knew this??? omg???) When i think that i can finally figure myself out, i realise it's another glass ceiling.  I don't really know what i want, where i wanna go (ok, maybe i do) what i wanna buy, what i wanna wear, it's time for a change!

Ring!

sorry for the long absence... the transition from being an intern to the only child at home and now back to normal student life has been affecting my normal routine...

things are different now, new phone (thanks dad!) new semester (erm no thanks!), new (old) hostel room, new subjects, new jacket (from pull and bear) and soon-to-be new shoes...

but some things juz stay same old same old... if i only knew who rang the freaking doorbell at 2:42am in the morning!!! it really juz bring me to a realisation tat i m back to the student life where the parties mark the start of a semester wif unconscious-but-still-moving-around-ppl ringing doorbells at night...

ah how i miss my student life! bring it on 6th sem!

How'd everything started?

with a spark of thought!

Went to a small concert during college with some friends.  It was organised by my church and different people were invited to perform, including one local artist from Sabah whose name i've forgotten. 

Hey what if one day i can organise something like this as well.

And so i did propose it.  Told people about my plan and encourage some close friends to prepare a performance or two.  Then Oprah spoke to me, yeah the Oprah Winfrey from TV.  She mentioned something on TV about making a difference in other people's life.  So the conviction sets in, yeah I should make it into a charity event! 

After saying a quiet prayer of repentence, the small unplug concert turns into a musical festival!  I can sell tickets and donate them to help the poor.  Foodstalls can be set up and all the sales goes to cnn's aid to stop human trafficking.

Before I knew it, everything has been put on hold.  Bottom line :  I may be losing my mind. 

Current situation : me vs Oprah - should I continue with my small casual event or start organising a Hillsong conference?

When will i ever be...

married?  nah just joking...

content is the word.  When will I ever be content?

As the first child of the family, i think i have first-born-syndrome. (duh!)
I tend to explore everything by myself since there's no one telling me what to do or what not to do.  I am a people-pleaser, my parents or even the whole family have great expectations on me and it is up to me to fulfill them. 

And lately in my daily walk as a christian, I unintentionally applied the traits mentioned above.  I am interested in how other leader do or see things so that I can imitate them.  I read books on how to know the will of God or I kiss dating goodbye to make sure I am doing it all right.  Every major decisions that I made, I spend most of my brain cells worrying and struggling to choose the 'right' one or to make it the 'right' one.

Micah 6:8:
“He hath showed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?”

Sounds simple.

Am I happy with where I am now?  When will I ever be content with myself, other people and everything else?

to let go or not to let go?

This post is the sequel to the previous one, inspired by the lovely and loud visitors (since there are 2 sibu-ians among them) when they were with me on saturday.

So this time it is Miss M, who I had a really really good conversation with. We manage to find time to squeeze in a sharing session in the middle of the night, after they cooked me supper - korean ramen with melting cheese on top (yummeh!) So as icebreaker, i asked her THE question and it naturally lead the conversation into the topic of BGR, so we discussed a bit of what our stands are , then it sort of went into a small sub-topic which really strikes me a lot - the asian church culture.  After being in Germany for nearly 3 years, i tend to forget how was it back then in Acts, when it is a cool n hip thing to go to church.  In Germany only nerds with no life who are not partying n getting drunk on weekends are free on a Sunday.

Back then, i most probably don't remember why i was there every Sunday, was it for the food after each service, the pumped up P&W sessions that left me tearing or the awesome people I get to serve with?  Even till today I struggle a lot with this, I felt so alone in this journey, I easily shun away from people whom i think are pulling me down and not building me up.  I really wish to have passionate people alongside with me, encouraging and consoling me when I feel like giving up.

I guess I am still not ready to let go of this hypocrisy in me.

Asking the hard questions - Part 3

W.H.Y?

Ok this is an extremely honest post so be prepared (for what?)

I am extremely pretend-ious when it comes to answering questions that will make myself look cool n funny(which will sound stupid after a while)

One of the most common question I get during my internship at SAX is “Why germany? Huaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?”

And everytime I give different answers, depending on the people who asks and depending on different situations. (and also the mood of the day)

Btw these are not MCQs :

-         Germany boast of their best industrial (bcoz I got this scholarship)

-         Germany got so many powderful cars (bcoz my parents no money to send me to overseas and I don wan to go to form 6 coz I heard they butcher u there n sell ur meat for ppl to make paos)

-         Oh come on! Like this oso need to ask, if not germany where else???? Of course 100% germany!!! There’s no other place on earth to study mechanical! (if only I could turn back time…)

Oh how I m gonna miss my colleagues and my company, I mean who on earth pays u to write posts during work?

Asking the hard questions - Part 2

Why the difference?

I had a lovely bunch of visitors from Korea during the weekend and we had such a good time together.  Finally there's so many people to talk about my kpop obesessions and share our thoughts and views on the current boyband/girlgroup or variety shows, korean culture, language, food etc.

one of the visitors, Miss A used to be my junior during secondary school and this common thread would be the topic of our chats.  I remembered last time how i use to be so rebellious and will always do little little things to support my idea of silent rebel, eg eat in the classroom when it is banned, not wearing name tags when walking through the human barriers of prefects every morning then put it back once i walk pass them and it really bring back a lot of memories of how i spread my influence to my gang of bffs that time.  To be frank i am not proud of these memories.  I only look back at my past with a teeny weeny bit of shame because the things that i thought was cool back then deemed to be so childish now.  (my fingers and toes cringed at the thought of it... yer...)

Why the difference between then and now, i ask myself - only God knows.

Asking the hard questions - Part 1

note to self

i am the one on the left...



Would appreiciate a sunflower right now...



yes Pat, keep breathing...

Bersih (not my story...)

haha... i guess ppl are half expecting me to write sth on it, but i wasn't there, i cannot write from my second or maybe even third forth hand experience from other ppl but this article makes me feel like i was there...

Tolong amoi ini dulu!!!

as the author said at the end of her post, someone did win on 9th of July - Malaysia.

reading on #bersihstories on twitter forms both frown n laughter on my face... some are juz hilarious! i oweys enjoy a good laugh...
eg :  dad texted me saying don't go into pudu over 10,000 people are there. I replied ya dad I can see

and check out the photo where policemen n protesters are shaking hands... i guess i m proud to see the maturity of Malaysians, yeah we r getting there someday! 

My personal view :
Many of us wants to be part of sth important, and tat explains the people who actually attends it, who watch live updates behind their computer at home, who disagree with it and try to confuse ppl with anti-Bersih posts, who don give a-damn-because-it-is-none-of-my-business, who got the feeling of i-shud-be-there/whoa-thank-god-i-m-not-there after everything is over...  ppl strive to seek acknowledgement from sth... and i m glad tat ultimately, i only need to seek n please only one thing in this world... and everything tat i do can be derived out of love and grace from the one i seek...

My stand

in bersih,  of course i support the cause of it, to ask the Election Commission (EC) although not nicely, to conduct itself properly for the sake of democracy...

but of course (again), after witnessing a withdrawn post on a particular website *coughs from my sponsor *coughs i realise tat i don have a stand at all, i cannot and will not have the right to wear yellow shirt roaming around KL city on Saturday afternoon, to have a small logo of Bersih2.0 on my facebook profile pic and the fact tat i m risking myself writing sth on this not-to-be-named-issue on my publicly accessible blog is really gonna be a threat to my scholarship. hmmm... maybe i shud consider on withdrawing this post as well...

i wish i can be like the humble Malaysian poet, A Samad Said, who can write sth poetic about this issue (but later got arrested because of the poem so i shud be thankful tat i m not so poetic n still be able to keep my scholarship)

Last but not least, i wud like to share a poem by A Samad Said (not the one tat got him arrested but the one we all loved during Form 1 english literature class...)

He saw a dead crow
in a drain
near the Post Office,
He saw an old man
gasping for air
And a baby barely able to breathe
In a crowded morning clinic
This land is so rich
Why should we suffer like this?

I want clean air
For my grandchildren
I want the damned fools
To leave the forest alone,
I want the trees to grow,
The rivers run free
And the earth covered with grass.
Let the politicians plan how
we may live with dignity
Now and always

Úm...

here am i again, blogging from sax... i noe it is not a good example but i deserve a reward - blogging in a language that i can actually understand what i wrote myself right?  yeah, u half guess it right, i m still in the middle of my report-writing-process, literally middle because i.am.stuck!!! i dunno how or where can i write more, n how do i produce a 40 page report when all i can manage is a mere 10-pages-of-lousy-german report... oh ya, the miracles-creating-photos... the only smart thing i did during my project is taking loads of photos...

ok updates!
i dunno if i will one day juz stop planning for things coz they never will work out?  i guess The-Big-Guy up there knows better...  i told him, i don wan to go back home during summer, and it is impossible for me to go back because i have already sign a cheap-labour contract until end of september and the flight tickets are simply too expensive... to cut the story short, i manage to shorten the contract and manage to find a relatively cheap ticket despite having to stop 7 hours in a god-knows-where country... but all is well and well is all (wow i juz made tat up)

signing off
Pat

sigh... i really need to post some photos up...

der.die.das

the 3 articles in german... enough to ruin my next 3 weeks as i will be writing a full report for the lab test i have been conducting for the past 6 weeks... thank God everything went smoothly, thanks to the modern technology, i can do things and make improvement to a test machine... n i m really glad tat it works! can't believe i can actually make sth work!!! okok, in times like this, always remember the Lord...

*rolls eye
ok enough of the spiritual me, it's time to talk about some worldly stuffs... i am still in the world wat?

*clears throat
i am confuse
VERY confuse
wat do guys see in a girl?
and do girls need to take the blame of 'sending wrong signals'?
whereas a guy cannot be too 'perasan' meh?

i will prefer to be an 'alien' in this issue, i have my own stands and convictions, and i will try my best to defend them so please give me a knock in my head if u ever see me giving in to the currents of the world. 

it's never too old at this age for boys problem right?
after nearly 3 years, it's still never too late for culture shocks right?

still confuse and having culture shocks,
Pat

learning.still.learning

Sometimes courageous leadership means standing still, saying nothing, completely confident in God. See 2 Chron20:17

True leaders dont choose the popular way, they make the right way popular. Leaders create consensus.

Is it better to err in being too merciful or too judgmental? James 2:13 "Mercy triumphs over judgment!"

Never follow a leader who always preaches against the sins of others but never publicly confesses his own. See Lk 6:41-42

Source : Rick Warren's tweets

Next step.

one year.
til 13/06/2012
what i have done?
what i am doing?
where i will go?
stay tune.

True happiness,
is not having what you want,
but wanting what you have.

Day 50 : 353hr 45min

Those are not juz any random numbers, today marks the 50th day or 353hours n 45 mins of my time in Company Sax (not real name of coz...) maybe i shud stay 15 mins longer juz to make it 354hours...

Wat prompt me to write sth on my 50th day?

I nearly got run down by a truck, not the big one of coz, but the small fork-lift-truck which ppl drive around as if they are Formula One racing car.  I shall call them the Stapler (it's a real name this time, but in german)  The stapler driver drives his stapler, as if he is Jay Chou in the movie Initial D, he literally drifts his stapler, as in by braking it's hind wheels and turn 90 degs in 2 seconds. And mind u, staplers don't usually comes wif signal light. I mean, how on earth am i suppose to know whether they are going to turn within 3 seconds?  ok, i shall be grateful tat i m still alive now, the stapler driver is quite used to idiotic ppl like me who stand in their way.  It was partially my fault for not staying on the pedestrian walkway, i mean, again how am i suppose to know where to walk n where not to? 

This is how a stapler looks like.

ok enough of the stapler story. No wait, there is another thing about stapler drivers.  They are the cutest ppl on earth, i mean who in germany gives u a horn 10 meters away and WAVES at u? awwwww.... they juz make my day... will definitely miss them once i go back to the books...